Sick Twisted Jokes

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THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.

"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??"

"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"

Three lawyers met at an upscale nightspot for drinks one Friday night, got real plastered and met with unfortunate results on their way home. On Saturday, they were comparing notes during a round of golf.

Lawyer 1 said he had gotten so drunk that he became disoriented and was very sick. When he arrived home he said that he was in such bad shape that he even blew chunks.

Lawyer 2 said he thought he had an even worse experience. He lost control of his new BMW and totaled it by driving it into a utility pole. Fortunately, he wasn't injured in the crash.

Lawyer 3 claimed his experience was the worst. He said when he got home his girlfriend was so pissed at him for being out late that she started throwing things at him. She totally destroyed a Ming dynasty vase that had an appraised value of over a half a million dollars. Then she went into the garage and started up his new Ferrari after dumping sugar in the gas tank.

Lawyer 1 was standing there just shaking his head and crying uncontrollably. The other two asked him what was the matter. He said, "You guys just don't understand - "Chunks" is my dog!"

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, what the camel was for.

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

A guy is driving through the country and his car breaks down. He sees a farmhouse in the distance, so he goes over and knocks on the door. A little kid comes to the door, and the guy says, "My car just broke down and I'd like to use your telephone. Is you mom home?"

The little kid says, "Nope."

The guy says, "Well, where is she?"

The little kid says, "Oh, she's out in the backyard, fucking the goat."

The guy goes, "Oh my God! Isn't she afraid of getting pregnant?"

The little kid says, "Naaaa-aaaa!"

There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.

"Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher.

"Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look at this."

Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.

"That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I have a go??"

The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"

"There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.

"What?"

"There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."

There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the local dog pound. The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "Ya know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinkin baby came along and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."

Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What are you in for?"

The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."

The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"

And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in to have my nails trimmed and groomed."

A man and his dog walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender sees the two and immediately decries, "Sorry sir, no dogs allowed in this bar."

The man turns to the bartender and explains that this is no ordinary dog but a dog that likes to go down on women. The bartender notices the dog is quite mellow and doesn't feel like arguing with the man so he lets them stay.

The waitress hears this and approaches the man telling him she would like to see this for herself. He agrees and she says, "I'll go upstairs and you send up the dog in 5 minutes."

The man does and about 15 minutes later she comes back down angry, telling him the dog had just lain there doing nothing. The man replies that this has never been the case before, and offers to coach the dog, to which she agrees.

They both go upstairs and she undresses and he tells the dog to do his thing and once again, the dog just lays there.

The man looks over at the dog and says, "alright but I'm only gonna show you one more time.........."

A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.

He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"

The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."

"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.

After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.

After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."

"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."

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